I have been warned that a quilting blog is a terrible place to talk about depression but since I have also wandered into other hot button topics such as of sex on quilts and the flagrant use of the Instant Pot I think it is pretty safe to say that I don’t take all that many recommendations to heart so I am going forward with the post over the wiser counsel of others. You have now been warned.
I like many suffer from depression. Mine is better than others and worse than some and it really does not matter since there are no prizes. I mean imagine if there were, they would be the worst prizes EVER.. I think we can all agree on that. I also happen to have some sort of freaky autoimmune thing that pretends to be Lupus but can’t seem to muster up the gumption to meet all the markers when it comes to testing, but again, no ribbons will be awarded but sometimes it makes me feel rather horrid even if they can’t seem to give it a name. *I* call it Asshole, it seems to fit. You know, on those days when I wake up feeling rotten I can just say, ” My Asshole is here” and it explains a lot, except for those people who also call their ex-spouses “Asshole” and then they just wonder why I am spending so much time with my ex-husband. It can get confusing.
It Looks Like This
Anyway, back to depression, for those who don’t understand depression I think I have come up with a damn fine way to explain it. Have you seen those heartwarming videos circulating around Facebook where the colorblind person is given a pair of those amazing new glasses that allows them to see color. You watch them open the box, ( oh how slow they are… just rip it open already!) then they slip on the glasses and a new world is open to them. COLOR, color everywhere damn-where. They gasp, they cry, they shake at the beauty of it all, it is amazing and our hearts split open in joy for them.
So what if you could see color but were then given glasses that do exactly the opposite? There you are having a rather swell life, lots of color, cake and tequila for everyone then you are given a pair of glasses and you slip them on and all the color goes away. Every freaking bit of it is drained from your brain and you are unable to take the glasses off. Those glasses no matter how much you want them off are stuck to your face and you see nothing but tones of grey. Sure if you quickly flick your eyes way to the side you can see flashes of color for just seconds so you know it is out there but for you it is effectivly gone. For me this is depression. Someone sneaks in and in the middle of the night glues these damn depression glasses to my face so it is not like I can just whip them off and go about my merry way no matter how many people say ” just think of happy things” or “snap out of it”, those glasses are there good and tight.
Butter Rum Lifesavers as the Start of Self Care
Of course now I know a lot of ways to pry the glasses off my face and when I am able to sum up the energy things like a healthy dose of kittens, therapy, medication, self care and ice cream can be a lifesavers ( oh yeah, and Butter Rum lifesavers – like crack, really) and I highly encourage anyone who suffers from depression to try any and all of them since they will help. They might not help the first day and they might need to be tinkered with since medication and Ice cream both come in lots of flavors but there is one out there that is right for you.
For self care I highly suggest all the things that make you feel loved and cared for including time with your sewingmachine if that helps bring back color to your life. On my part I can see my depressive episodes coming on by my lack of desire to sew or quilt. This is my ~ WARNING WARNING WILL ROBINSON ~ and if headed I can often stem off a nasty episode with some serious self care and doing what I need since the truth is depression runs in my family and escaping it was not in the cards for me, but I can keep it at bay. My family crest might as well be the Prozac logo and had it been many generations of women and men in my family tree would have been much better off having had the option for effective medication.
Why I like Drugs
While medication is not the right choice for everyone I could not be more thrilled than to live in a day and age where medication to correct the faulty brain chemistry that lead to depression are available. I am one to skip merrily to my pharmacy and embrace these options as needed and I am not shy about saying that if you need it I support you in doing the same. Also… find a professional someone to talk to.. that is good stuff as well.
The more we normalize the treatment of mental health issues the more we can talk about it at the dinner table the same way your aunt Helen can go on and on about her bunion surgery without people giving her the side-eye and shifting uncomfortably the better off we will all be.
This Shit is Seriously Funny
Nothing made this more clear to me than reading Jenny Lawson’s new book Furiously Happy which deals with her depression and take on life surrounding it. Now I have to warn you that if a potty-mouth and side splitting hilarity coupled with a very dark look at depression are not your cup of tea you will want to pass on this book. In fact I want you to pass on this book if you don’t suffer with depression since honestly this one is a hell of a lot funnier to those of us who know the dark-side and have fought like holy-hell to come back to the color.
So here is the deal, that photo is my copy of Furiously Happy and I want someone to have it. I am even going to write an inscription in it and then I want you to read it and add something to the book and then pass it to someone else who needs it. So sort of like Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants but for a book that might just help you understand yourself better and see your way back to all the amazing color this world holds. I want this for you and for myself.. lets do this thing.
Leave a comment and on the 31st of the month I will pick someone to send my book to and we will get this thing started.
Maddie,
Thank you for this offer. My daughter suffers with depression. This truly helps to understand it. I would love for her to have the book.
Happy days are ahead!!
Like you, when I look at my beautiful machine and a pile of fabric waiting to be fondled and I think, “Nah, can’t be arsed,” I know the Sunday Monster ( aka Black Dog, grey specs) has come whooshing out of the broom cupboard, where he lives. I can usually hear him breathing in there, but when he comes out, he leaves pools of cold fog lying everywhere, which cover everything with sadness. But with medication – Yay! – a few songs with happy memories attached (if I can be bothered to switch the computer on) and a massive self-inflicted kick up the backside, I START. It’s that STARTING that takes the most enormous effort. Once that has happened, however, the ball starts rolling and the quilt gets made and the Sunday Monster shuffles back into the cupboard where he breathes noisily lest I forget he’s there at all.
No wonder I never sew or make art anymore… no color! Whether I win the book or not, I’m gonna read it. Thank you for writing about depression; been afflicted with it all my life. But at least I understand black humor, and other depressives, and IMO, our society is so sick that if you’re NOT depressed, you aren’t awake.
I always likened it to a black hole too deep to crawl out of. An abyss. A slow sinking into darkness. Still able to function at work, still able to joke with friends (my smart-assedness is an automatic response), just no internal light. Medication #1 kept me from driving off a bridge. Changing to Medication #2 made me feel alive again. Living well through pharmaceuticals. Yay!
Thanks Maddie… seriously…thank you
This is wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing and offering the book.
the timing of this article was spot on for me. At times (a lot) I feel so alone.
My downs are not as severe as some of you have detailed, but family tragedy (suicide of 13 year old great niece) has pushed me into a ditch. And then Gregg Allman died (thought that he was younger than me but he is 2 years older) which really re-inforced the “down”.
But the sun is shining today and I am better… for now.
Would love to have this book!
I am glad you went with your gut, and wrote this. I truly hope, that someone out there, reads it, and knows they are not alone, and they find the help they need. I truly hope, that someone out there reads it, and understands what their family/friend/acquaintance is going through, and to let them know, they are not alon.
If it helps one person – Success.
If it helps one person understand – Success.
I love your analogy. And depression is different for every person affected. I am happy to hear you have found your self-care package, so to speak.
You are doing amazing!
The book sounds like a good one! I, too, deal with depression. I’ve spent years working with my mental health professional to find just the right medication to help. Not there yet, but closer than we have ever been. A website I have found to be helpful is Resilient. Owner? Blogger? is Katie Harp. She is a lot younger than I am, but has some really helpful stuff.
p.s.–I LOVE BadAss Quilters Society!
Girl, you hit the nail on the head with your analogy of wearing glasses that take all the color out of life. I’ve been there and still dip my toes into depression every once in awhile. It comes with no warning. It’s like an unexpected visitor who is unwanted, but persistent that it stay. I thank you for sharing your personal story and letting others know that depression is prevalent and does not care who it chooses to land on. There should be no embarrassment in seeking professional help, but it is for many. Getting well again and seeing the beautiful colors is well worth the visit!
This winter was the first year I have ever experienced anything along the lines of depression….not sure I am ready to even call it that yet but I was certainly in a dark place and not wanting to quilt was one of the things that surprised me. I am going to see if my library carries this book…thanks for your openness.
Prozac logo as your family crest! I loved it. I’m also a pal of depression & loved your post.
Very timely post! Just finished reading that book and discussed with my book club friends. Furiously funny and unforgettable!
Yeah, I have it too. It sucks at times. Meds help TREMENDOUSLY. I feel good enough to tackle life. The one time I tried to go off them the black hole returned. So, if I’m on an anti-depression drug for life, so be it. If I’m not lucky enough to win the traveling book I’ll go to the library and request they stock it. There’s more of us out here than realized.
Ah, my ol’ friend Depression with the capital D. Mine was diagnosed when I saw my OB/GYN for pelvic pain 17 years ago. He recommended total removal of the useless female parts that were giving me grief and HRT. He insisted on talking TJ my husband to find out more about my mood swings, my husband pleaded “please help me” ( he was a joker). Got on HRT and anti-depressants and all was well until 2012 when my husband was shot and killed by a co-worker/neighbor. Cue more depression, crippling anxiety, and “complicated grief” which is a real mental health diagnosis! Forward 5 years, murderer is in federal prison for 4 life terms, his appeal is going to be heard this July, levels of anxiety and the depression are increasing again. Meds adjusted. Quilting time has increased. Actually quilting saw me through some very very dark times, indeed. I made several awesome quilts, sometimes sewing 36 hours straight because I knew if I stopped the darkness would overtake me.
The more I read on the subject of depression and anxiety – the better I understand my own pain and lack of color. Maddie, I too know when the darkness is coming as I don’t want to quilt – so I sit in my sewing room and drink in the color. It helps.
Conditions that sometimes pretend to be Lupus include Fibromyalgia, which I have. It’s really hard to have a condition that on any given day will keep me from doing not just the basic things I need to do, but the simple things I enjoy, like sewing.
Thank you, Maddie, for shedding color on this subject of depression. I just didn’t realize until I read your description that not having any interest in quilting or creating preceded my depression. And you know what? It does! Thank you for this eye opening gift.
I too have an autoimmune disease, (my numbers are low on the spectrum, but the damage to my body is high), luckily I have a Dr that is definitely proactive and we deal with “it” medically. I choose to deal with my depression without medication …just my choice. One thing at a time. But my family has dealt with depression. My Uncle died from it.
I love seeing/ reading others views and seeing how they deal with it. Thank you for the giveaway but most importantly for the insight of how you know it’s coming! I will be more aware now.
Our 19 yr old granddaughter suffers from depression and dropped out of college because there are many days she just can’t seem to function. On medication but still tweaking to find the right one or combination of drugs. Depression has affected many a generation in our family. Even if not selected, I will find this book for her. Thank you for sharing
Love the visual of a world without color! My family has suffered with depression, personally myself for probably 50 years, my husband over 60 years. My 38 year old daughter all her life, my 37 year old daughter for 30 years, my 34 year old for over 30 years and my 27 year old son for 15 years. So in our life time 200 years of depression and it ain’t over yet. We all fight our own battles, our own demons but in my family I pray we win this fight and put those demons where they belong, in HELL. I appreciate the humor you try to so use.
Thanks Maddie, I needed to read this today of all days!!!! I may have to run for some butter rum lifesavers today!!!!! Thanks for sharing the good, bad and ugly….. Some of us need to see others have these days as well. I would love this book.
Your metaphor is spot ON! I suffer like many, so quilting levels me out.
Wow! Lots of us “sisters in suffering” out there. I firmly believe in better living through modern chemistry. Prozac has very possibly saved my life. It has certainly saved my sanity! It is also part of my bipolar son’s pharma-therapy. Quilting is my happy place and it’s a dark day indeed when I just can’t make myself quilt. Feeling for you and all of our S.I.S. out in Badass Land. Hang in, BAQ’ers! Peace. And love.
Thank you for this Maddie! Your metaphor for depression is perfect, best explanation I’ve seen. I plan to use it, if that’s ok – it’s hard to explain depression. Now, how do I explain anxiety? They seem to go hand-in-hand, but I think they are different things … and meds are good (for me)! I will read this book and pass it on …
I have only suffered from situational depression- it sucks but when you deal with it- it can go away- different from clinical depression . I do have a dear friend who suffers from depression and will purchase this book for him. Do not include me in the offer as I do not want to take away from someone who needs it.
I do remember reading that depression is like being at the bottom of a well, people who love you can send ladders to you but you can climb up only when you can see them. Simplification I know but maybe a way of understanding
this would be an excellent tool for my daughter….wishing you happiness because you are one Bad Ass!
Guilty as charged; I thought one could “just get over it” if one wanted to. Silly me. Depression and bipolar disorder run thru my family. When my sisters were slammed with bipolar disorder (and that is the best way to describe how it seemed to start to the rest of us, though of course, it actually creeps up), I learned that mental illness is just like diabetes or arthritis or heart disease. One needs medication(s) to control the symptoms and counseling on how to live with the disease. Medications are better than they were 25 years ago but still have TONS of side effects and not everyone will respond the same way to the same meds. I keep waiting for the celebrities to put on a ribbon and march or put on telethons or petition congress for better funding for diagnosis and treatment for the diseases of mental illness. Until that happens, we non-celebrities will just have to keep on educating the world around us, one person at a time. Thank you, Maddie, for your openness and willingness to share. The world just got a bit less lonely.
Calling out the darkness and the smudged newsprint that is life with depression takes guts. I hope I will see the day when it doesn’t.
The Sisterhood of the Travelling Book…..I like it…..great idea. I think anyone with depression (the big D, move over diabetes) knows exactly what you’re saying. Sometimes one just wants to crawl into a big hole and pull it over, don’t talk to me, quit being perky, and leave me the hell alone.
Sometimes, when we can find the energy, a solitary walk helps. And above it all, the dog will be a loving support when everything else is grey and colourless. Butterscotch Lifesavers? They’re in the pocket of my purse……….just for me.
I guess I’m depressed. I sure feel like it at times and quilting has been my savior for quite a while now. I didn’t realize just how much until my sewing machine froze up and I’ve been without it for a couple of days. I would love to be part of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Book! Thanks Maddie 🙂
The ex “Asshole”? Nah, it was my supervisor I was stuck with for 13 years. Haven’t worked with him for over 22 years, been retired for 7 years. But, anyone I EVER worked with knows exactly who I am talking about when I ask “What’s Asshole up to these days?”. If anyone could trigger a bout of depression it was him! I feel your pain Maddie. Been there, still doing that! Hang in there kid! (p.s. my favorite self medication is Safeway’s Moose Tracks ice cream. That baby will put a song in your heart!)
Yep the gray quilt of “I don’t give a shit” wraps until you feel like you’re gonna suffocate. And if your hear, “just get up and do ….”something” one more time…. it is what it is and we move through the fog until things are better.
Oh yeah! Great piece. Depression and grief brought on by things that happen in your life is just as debilitating as the “regular” depression that does not have a for sure starting point. I’m beading and quilting my way out. Oh and therapy and drugs too!
Don’t you love the “uhhhh you have a touch of something” but maybe it is Lupus maybe it is fibromyalgia but probably it is perimenpause” from about 35 til 50 I feel like perimenopause gets blamed for everything. I have thinning hair-perimenopause. I have dry skin-perimenopause. My dog got hit by a car- your cranky nasty perimenopausal self probably made the dog run from you! Chin up Maddie. I’m on the crazy train with ya!
My friend Wendy suffers from depression and other mental health illnesses. I’d like this book to go to her if you’re OK with sending internationally. Thanks for the post Maddie.
Thank you for your honesty…and humor, as well! I’m pretty sure many quilters understand depression AND quilting, much as you described, and we understand the value of our craft on the healthiness of our spirit and soul as it relates to depression. Keep on keeping on. Together we are stronger! #badassquiltersrule
What can I say except F-n Thank you! and when can I have you over to explain this to my family and friends? If you ever come to PA I know where to find some lemonade and a place to just sit and chat. Sometimes I think I stumble across things when I am meant too. Today I was meant to read this. Even if your copy of the book never reaches me, your post has. Thank you!!!!
I would love to have the book too, but if I win, please don’t inscribe it directly to me, because then I too can pass it on and forward to the next person. When I first joined Bad Ass Quilters Society, I told you that after 20 years of raising a family and running a business, I was finally setting aside time for me … and going back to what I loved, quilting. I’ve also been finding time to do some other “artsy” things, like paint nites with the girls, and cooking. The Wellbutrin XL has gotten me through about 15 years of Depression, but when I added “taking care of me” into that mix, whoooweeeeBob, this is the Deb I used to know. Even my kids say that although I’ve always been the cool mom, now I am way cooler. I’ll take that. Unfortunately it does seem to run in our family also, I have a 20 yo daughter who is a great kid, but suffers from Depression. I have a 16 yo daughter who also is on meds for Depression. My 17 yo daughter swims 3 hours every day, and I think the exercise has kept the dark days away from her, but that’s not an option for most of us. Anyway – thank you for sharing your story and opening up about a subject that affects way more of our friends and family than anyone would care to admit !
For a while I tried to deal with depression on my own then I realized why are you struggling when there are things out there to help you, like drugs!! I have been medicated for 13 years now, and I need them and are ever so grateful to have them.
I would love to have this book to read and to pass it on to several friends who struggle with depression.
Here, Here depression has been a battle that I have fought since I was in high school 53 years so far. I have learned that I battle with 2 types of depression. The first is garden variety caused from something around me. The other is the chemical imbalance in my brain. The garden variety is easy to deal with, I make myself be active and once started the depression lifts. The chemical imbalance requires medication to control and bright colors around me. I have been in and out of treatment and medication for years. About 10-12 years ago the chemical and garden depression was so bad I had to go on antidepressants. My husband and I both liked how I felt on the medication, the dosage has been upped over the years and continues to work its magic. When I have both depressions acting up at the same time, it is very hard. Add chronic pain to the mix and that is another whole issue which makes things worse.
My battle with depression was a contributing factor to the failure of my first marriage. I see the signs of depression in other family members and tell the them what I have found works for me. Perhaps they will one day realize that medication is the answer and not a illness that needs to hide in a closet untreated.
I am happily remarried to a wonderful understanding husband for 18 years and counting. He has learned my different moods and what needs to be done. He will bring me medication or give me a hug and tell me he loves me for whom I am. Those hugs mean the world to my survival.
The house we now live in was painted a medium beige what made me more depressed after convincing my husband that we needed to paint the depression was easier to deal with the visual happiness helps me a LOT! We have just finished painting my 2 room studio a very pretty light purple, which makes me excited to go down and be creative.
Depression needs to be talked about, it is okay to say we have it and we are on treatment for it. May the bright colors shine around you. I openly talk about my depression and have for a long time, it is not something to be hidden in a closet and whispered about. I wish each one of you a GREAT day!
I would seriously LOVE to have this book and your inscription. I have a friend that is struggling mightily with this exact issue and I’d love to read it, add my thoughts and send it to her.
Thanks for all you share Maddie!
Carrie
Since I have what is a newly-recognized form of “manic-depression” (hell, I knew it all along! And I, like many, refuse to call it bipolar disorder, because the original name is the better descriptor), with “lucky me”, the prize of an extremely high risk for suicide, I am “on the dark side” almost all of the time since my meds work on my mania only. I wondered what in the same-shit-hell stole my quilting muse; I had no idea this might be a pre-cursor of an impending depressive state, Holy-Moley, Batman! And here I thought it was a best friend who casually asked me if I could sew six super-heavy, jacquard white curtain panels into a duvet cover – for a KING-SIZED BED, when my sewing space is about 3′ x 5′. To which I of course said, “Yeah, I can do that” and then spent months with heavy white fabric over my shoulder, trying to keep it clean in a hoarder’s house. Dark humor is my middle name! I want that book. Give it to me! The only thing keeping me going right now is thinking about Alec Baldwin doing Donald Trump (again)…[I hear a collective sigh as the nice people say, oh darn, she will probably get it since she pulled out the mental illness/bipolar/hoarding card…’Damn right!]
My son had the same issue of being always on the dark side when the mood stabilizers leveled out his bipolar roller coaster. Thankfully, his doctor was able to find an antidepressant that “raised the tracks”, so to speak, moving his level state to a more tolerable level. Hope things start looking up for you!
ZOMG…. I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety on my own for 30 years because no one believed me, and my family never talked about things like that. Until last August, when I finally got my act together and went to the doctor. Now much better (hooray!) but not neuro-typical. Never will be, and so be it. One of my signals is also the lack of desire to quilt, sew costumes, or any other creative thing. It still makes me uncomfortable to talk about, but I am improving (and had a talk with my family, who basically said ‘oh, well, almost everyone on X side of the family dealt with that sort of thing.’)
Excellent….you are so colorful in this sometimes colorless world.
Thank you for this post, Maddie. For years, I felt like my depression had to be hidden, and I would put on a happy face and push through it whenever I could. With the advent of social media, and the relative anonymity of the Internet, I’ve found a community of people who also struggle. Having that commonality, and being able to discuss how I feel with others who understand how hard it can be to even get out of bed some days (as opposed to those who say “just get over it”) has literally been a lifesaver for me at times.
I love the Bloggess. Her first book “Let’s Pretend this Never Happened” helped me realize that there are plenty of “cool people” with depression and I am not a freak.
I am I am 46 years old and I have been on medication since 26… was diagnosed when I was 14 with bipolar and you’re exactly right you can’t explain it to someone who doesn’t have it. My comment is for those who do take anti-psychotic medications please, please please read your side effects portion for that medication!!! I now suffer tardive dyskinesia, (uncontrollable muscle movement) a rare but sometimes permanent side effect from long term use of antipsychotic medications. I now ‘fidget’, tap my toe or rock constantly…not only do I have to deal with bipolar I also have to deal with this side effect because taking the medication is the best choice. I don’t have Suicidal Thoughts. I don’t go through a roller coaster of moods and emotions and people can tolerate me. I either have a choice of being suicidal and massively depressed (unmedicated) or look like a dope head with no dope (medicated) LOL I think even if I had known about this rare devastating side effect I would still have chosen to take medications.
Bridget, my son also has tardive dyskinesia due to a psych medication he took during a trial study – he’s one of the reasons that side effect is in the fine print. He approaches this with his trademark wry sense of humor and comments that on one of his bad days, Michael J. Fox could beat him at Jenga. Despite being taken off the med fairly quickly (it not only didn’t help, it made things worse and led to his only inpatient hospitalization), *he will have that side effect for life*. His current diagnosis is rapid cycling bipolar with borderline personality disorder. Currently, he is not on medication because the dosage needed to be effective for him had reached toxic levels. So now he fights it as best he can, but it’s tough. Hang in there!
I certainly feel for your brother it’s a good thing that he has somebody who cares about him because that does make a huge difference if somebody cares about you and knows you will enough to see when you’re having an episode and not just telling you to get over it or deal with it or were saying it’s just in your head… I’m worried about my future and my life existence e with this disease it kind of blindsided me I also have issues with pain management and a back surgery that had complications we’re not even going to go there but quilting helps me so much whenever I found quilts of Valor that gave me a purpose to do something good which gives me a good heart feeling and keeps me out of depression I truly believe Quilters is a group and a tribe that is the most giving and compassionate individuals granted we still have some old school with their panties at their ass but we’re slowly changing it LOL
Well said! Love it
Excellent metaphor for depression. I have tried to describe it as a fog, or being wrapped in a gray blanket (I see a theme of colorlessness here).
Do NOT send the book to me, as I already have it (and even read it in public, resulting in snort-laughing and looking to see who noticed). I think I’ll read it again. I just wanted to say that your offer puts me in mind of Jenny’s red dress, which traveled so much it wore out. I love the idea of passing it along, adding to it each time.