I have been warned that a quilting blog is a terrible place to talk about depression but since I have also wandered into other hot button topics such as of sex on quilts and the flagrant use of the Instant Pot I think it is pretty safe to say that I don’t take all that many recommendations to heart so I am going forward with the post over the wiser counsel of others. You have now been warned.
I like many suffer from depression. Mine is better than others and worse than some and it really does not matter since there are no prizes. I mean imagine if there were, they would be the worst prizes EVER.. I think we can all agree on that. I also happen to have some sort of freaky autoimmune thing that pretends to be Lupus but can’t seem to muster up the gumption to meet all the markers when it comes to testing, but again, no ribbons will be awarded but sometimes it makes me feel rather horrid even if they can’t seem to give it a name. *I* call it Asshole, it seems to fit. You know, on those days when I wake up feeling rotten I can just say, ” My Asshole is here” and it explains a lot, except for those people who also call their ex-spouses “Asshole” and then they just wonder why I am spending so much time with my ex-husband. It can get confusing.
It Looks Like This
Anyway, back to depression, for those who don’t understand depression I think I have come up with a damn fine way to explain it. Have you seen those heartwarming videos circulating around Facebook where the colorblind person is given a pair of those amazing new glasses that allows them to see color. You watch them open the box, ( oh how slow they are… just rip it open already!) then they slip on the glasses and a new world is open to them. COLOR, color everywhere damn-where. They gasp, they cry, they shake at the beauty of it all, it is amazing and our hearts split open in joy for them.
So what if you could see color but were then given glasses that do exactly the opposite? There you are having a rather swell life, lots of color, cake and tequila for everyone then you are given a pair of glasses and you slip them on and all the color goes away. Every freaking bit of it is drained from your brain and you are unable to take the glasses off. Those glasses no matter how much you want them off are stuck to your face and you see nothing but tones of grey. Sure if you quickly flick your eyes way to the side you can see flashes of color for just seconds so you know it is out there but for you it is effectivly gone. For me this is depression. Someone sneaks in and in the middle of the night glues these damn depression glasses to my face so it is not like I can just whip them off and go about my merry way no matter how many people say ” just think of happy things” or “snap out of it”, those glasses are there good and tight.
Butter Rum Lifesavers as the Start of Self Care
Of course now I know a lot of ways to pry the glasses off my face and when I am able to sum up the energy things like a healthy dose of kittens, therapy, medication, self care and ice cream can be a lifesavers ( oh yeah, and Butter Rum lifesavers – like crack, really) and I highly encourage anyone who suffers from depression to try any and all of them since they will help. They might not help the first day and they might need to be tinkered with since medication and Ice cream both come in lots of flavors but there is one out there that is right for you.
For self care I highly suggest all the things that make you feel loved and cared for including time with your sewingmachine if that helps bring back color to your life. On my part I can see my depressive episodes coming on by my lack of desire to sew or quilt. This is my ~ WARNING WARNING WILL ROBINSON ~ and if headed I can often stem off a nasty episode with some serious self care and doing what I need since the truth is depression runs in my family and escaping it was not in the cards for me, but I can keep it at bay. My family crest might as well be the Prozac logo and had it been many generations of women and men in my family tree would have been much better off having had the option for effective medication.
Why I like Drugs
While medication is not the right choice for everyone I could not be more thrilled than to live in a day and age where medication to correct the faulty brain chemistry that lead to depression are available. I am one to skip merrily to my pharmacy and embrace these options as needed and I am not shy about saying that if you need it I support you in doing the same. Also… find a professional someone to talk to.. that is good stuff as well.
The more we normalize the treatment of mental health issues the more we can talk about it at the dinner table the same way your aunt Helen can go on and on about her bunion surgery without people giving her the side-eye and shifting uncomfortably the better off we will all be.
This Shit is Seriously Funny
Nothing made this more clear to me than reading Jenny Lawson’s new book Furiously Happy which deals with her depression and take on life surrounding it. Now I have to warn you that if a potty-mouth and side splitting hilarity coupled with a very dark look at depression are not your cup of tea you will want to pass on this book. In fact I want you to pass on this book if you don’t suffer with depression since honestly this one is a hell of a lot funnier to those of us who know the dark-side and have fought like holy-hell to come back to the color.
So here is the deal, that photo is my copy of Furiously Happy and I want someone to have it. I am even going to write an inscription in it and then I want you to read it and add something to the book and then pass it to someone else who needs it. So sort of like Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants but for a book that might just help you understand yourself better and see your way back to all the amazing color this world holds. I want this for you and for myself.. lets do this thing.
Leave a comment and on the 31st of the month I will pick someone to send my book to and we will get this thing started.
I have suffered from depression for years. Everyday is a battle to keep myself on an even keel. I would love to read that book and pass it on.
I also am a lifelong sufferer from depression+anxiety, and although I feel as if I have come through the worst of it (several times) thanks to therapy and medication and some changes in thought patterns (plus, springtime helps me so much), now I am able to accept that it will be with me in some form for the rest of my life, sort of like Dexter’s “dark passenger” but without the killing and dismembering. Thank you for telling us about this book. It sounds delicious.
I don’t even understand why there is stigma around it anymore. Everyone I know suffers in some way at some point. I almost bought that book for my Mom for Mother’s day but she really wanted a nose hair trimmer so I went with her specific request. I’d love to read it and pass it on to her.
Maddie, You are awesome! You have such a gift for writing and you ARE a gift for being able to share your feelings. It makes me feel better to know that you and others understand depression. You always make me think, laugh and know that I am not alone in this world. Thank you! Keep being you! You make the world a better place.
Oh my god Maddie you hit the nail on the head with your analogy of depression and have reduced me to tears. For years I have screaming on the inside trying to put what I deal with on a daily basis and how I feel into words to tell people what it’s like to be in my shell for just 5 minutes and I haven’t even come close. You have summed it up amazingly and I have printed up your blog post tomshare with my family so maybe they can try and understand. Dealing with depression, becoming disabled and only 3 days ago being told a have a chronic bowel disease and chronic pain is such a terrible life and quilting really is the inky thing that makes me want to wake up everyday. Like yourself I have the early warning of not wanting to walk into my studio let alone to try to quilt but I haven’t found my balance to totally slay my beast yet, I do hope that one day I can find the magic sword that will do that for me. Without my quilting world I would be closed of to everything as all I have in my life is my 2 amazing children, my own family walked away from my life a few years ago. Your attitude, your honesty, your potty mouth, your support and your all is what I look forward to seeing every morning and it’s always your words no matter what it’s about that keep me going. You kick arse Maddie and boy do I love you for that, thank you for being you and for being real you are an angel to me 💞🤗🦁
My name is Brooke and I suffer from recurring bouts of depression. I have yet to find the best flavor to help and it can be pretty dark and overwhelming. Anxiety has also reared its ugly head this past year. Some hilarity would be welcome.
I am fortunate to not have to deal with depression but have loved ones who do. I have read “Furiously Happy” and it gave me valuable insight into depression. It’s also funny and sad and … lots of things. Please pick another name if mine comes up and if you don’t win buy the book or borrow it from a library. It’s great for anyone to read.
What a lovely idea. On with the sisterhood! Should I be fortunate enough, I already have earmarked who the next in line would be – a young gent I have known his whole life. I used to babysit him as an infant and now he has just got engaged to a beautiful young woman and he needs to know depression lies.
Would love to read this. I have my “days” that spontaneously show up out of nowhere. It’s the hardest thing to explain to my husband that it’s no one’s fault nor has anyone done anything wrong. It just is. I appreciate your honesty, Maddy.
For my lifetime my depression and ANXIETY have been secret I deal with VERY few, a small small handful have ever known me well enough to understand the depth of the battle. I feel your pain, and walk beside you back to the color we all need to see!
I never knew the real darkness of depression until my husband died. I can not imagine going through this period in my life without medication. I could choose alcohol but that would make a bad situation even worse. One day soon I hope to see color and passion in my sewing room. Thank you Maddy for pushing us to see the bigger world around us, even the dark side of life.
I ♡ your generosity and I’d ♡ to read this book. Reading helps me a bunch. And I have quite the Sisterhood already. Which is sad, really. But hey. Back to the sewing machine! And lots of love ♡
Oh Maddie! You got it in one.
On your maybe Lupus…have you been screened for fibromyalgia or sceloderma? I have a friend that also searched for a diagnosis for suspected lupus and turns out she has both of those. Just a thought! Feel better!!
Oh, how I need this. Maybe ~ ~ ~ meanwhile, talk on. Read on. Medicate. and QUILT!!!
While Prozac is effective, it is a b***h to wean off of it.
I understand the whole depression thing and there is no easy answer. Always helpful is to get plenty of rest, eat the right diet and hydrate. It DOES help. Spoken from someone who has been there, and not just your garden variety D, the black hole from which one has to crawl up and out of.
Now P and D free, it can be done! It meant a change of career and subsequent adjustment to reduced income.
Please enter me for your publication – looks to be a good read!
So much yes. I get it. Wish I didn’t. But I do.
Love the “danger will robinson”- very apt! I have had depression in the past and am very alert to signals that things are becoming off kilter. Self care is a crucial part of my toolkit. I wish more people felt comfortable talking about mental health issues- the time is overdue.
I’m a quilter and appreciate you very much opening up about depression. I’m trying to do my part as well to help normalize mental illness. My son is struggling desperately with depression and alcoholism. Which in turn is starting to make me depressed. Thanks I like the way you think
Quilting,sewing,playing with fabric keeps mine at bay. Even if I don’t accomplish anything.
While I personally do not suffer from depression, I would like to enter on behalf of my bestie, Lydia. My heart breaks for her as she suffers from bipolar and depression. Once a vivacious, confident woman, disease has left her a shell of her former self – full of self doubt, unable to work in her trained profession and worried about her future and ever being truly happy again.
Mine is normally mild, but chronic. When my sister was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer last April, it came full on. Meds kept me from crying every day, but as I sat with her up to 4 hours a day for 13 months, you can imagine what happened to my mojo for quilting. She passed away on May 13 and I am still spending most of every day in my chair. This, too, shall pass and I hope to be making wonderful creations in the near future. Grief sucks.
I’ve often wondered if depression is the price creative people pay for the way their messy brains work. I feel like Buddha–calm, on top of the world–when totally absorbed in a project. Directed, focused, capable etc. But as projects end or as life intrudes with some tragedy, horrible news story etc my good mood does a crash-and-burn. Have learned over the years that healthy daily routine (meds if needed, take your vitamins, exercise etc) is the only path back to happyland for me. Wishing all my fellow sometimes-depressives a happy day today. Today–cause that’s all we got.
I love the idea of a traveling book.
My coworker and I hadn’t been getting along like I’d hoped until one day I saw a bottle of Effexor on his desk. I said “Guess what! You and I take the same medication”.
Our relationship changed that day. It’s like a snarky and sassy club we’re in, that makes us understand each other better. Just get it out there! I tried to do it without meds, but I waited too long! My friends who complain of symptoms, I tell them to get meds and they don’t. Time will tell.
One of my “oh this shit is getting real” is when I’d rather nap then sew. It’s a clue and helps me know when enough is enough. It’s easy to slip into old comfortable habits that aren’t always good for you.
Been fighting off the Dark Cloud for almost 30 years. Some days I win, some days it wins. I hear you loud and clear about the autoimmune thing — all my “markers” are negative, so no one can put a name on what lays me low. But, like you, I keep on going, because I’ll be damned if I let it get me down. You’re a great inspiration to me, Maddie. Thank you for speaking honestly about the subjects that need to be pulled out of the closet and discussed.
Oh Maddie, your analysis of depression is so incredibly spot on! I would love to read this book; if it is half as great as you I’m sure it’s worth the read.
I get it! I’ve lost my quilting mojo – again- to depression. Meds are helping and I’m slowly getting back to quilting. I have a wonderful group of quilty friends that make me get out of the house and provide me with many laughs! Life is good.
I loved your glasses analogy. Such a good description. I’d love to check out the book too.
Sigh. Even after having depression (diagnosed 20 years ago) for most of my life (and newly diagnosed with ms), I’m *still* getting to get things in a good place. I’ve heard a lot of good things about this book and I would be honored to have your copy!
This sounds like a book I need to read!
I totally get that you can see the depression coming when you don’t feel like sewing. Often a heads up for me is I don’t feel like sewing or reading or much of anything else. Kinda like now. My meds help and I will never again feel guilty about treating my condition like I used to. It’s still a hard battle though some days.
I am in tears. It is as if you are my daughter from another mother & these afflictions run in the family. I fought to stay off meds. Now that I finally agreed, I don’t know why I was so stubborn. The veil has lifted most days. This winter has been a pita. Between politics and 7 months of gray rainy weather, I buckled. Pain exacerbates too. I will stop my diatribe now, but really appreciate your post. I am going to go buy the book now so you can eliminate my name from the drawing. Bless you
Linda, I also feel like Maddie is a “sistah from another mistah”. The aftermath of November put me into a dark hole that, only now, is lightening. The more we talk about these issues, the more we realize that we aren’t alone. We are members of a sorority forged in the absence of serotonin; we pass, veiled, through the world, pretending (or not pretending) to be fine. Only with one another can we rip off the veil and say, “This sucks!” and be understood.
No wonder I feel such kinship with you…been on prozac off & on since mid-80s. Depression runs in my family. We are raising our granddaughter, who just turned 13. A few months ago, I started seeing the depression ghost slink into her world. Everyone kept trying to tell me it was teenage hormones but, my experiences with depression told me “DANGER Will Robinson”! She has been diagnosed with PTSD since 7 (long story involving her parents, meth and the living in that life) and she has a great therapist who suggested we have her evaluated for depression. BINGO! Couple of months into treatment with prozac and, she is herself again…eating, out of her bedroom…etc. It took serious effort by the psychiatrist to convince her that antidepressants are a “medication” to benefit her…she’s seen what drugs (meth specifically) can do to her world and is reluctant to even take Tylenol. Send the book, pls.
Thank you for the honesty of depression. I just recently come upon your site. I really don’t talk to anyone about it and how it makes me feel or not feel. I take medication but have been on it for some years and don’t think it works as well any more. When I moved told Dr so I could get refill and no questions asked got refills. I know I need to find a someone but it is mind boggling. I don’t like it interfering with my life and especially my quilting. Again thank you
I also have an autoimmune unnamed thing that rears its ugly head that can never show on tests but drs agree there’s something there. Don’t ya just love that? Been thru depression so bad I was hospitalized for it briefly to adjust my meds. Would love to read the book. I love the way you’ve taken the reins and gone off road, keep up the totally awesome work!
Man, this hits home! I have those good days when I want to mess with my fabric a little, and better days when I actually want to sew them together. You’ve given an awesome description of what depression can be like. I, too, feel validated!
Thank you for your honesty Maddie. Better living through drugs as my son’s psychiatrist once said. I wish they had been around for my mom as I know my life is better with them. I will use your description of the color glasses to others if I may, it is very good!
I have not had to deal with depression, please remove me from the draw list. However, your Asshole name made me chuckle. When I had breast cancer 2 years ago I kept referring to “my tumor”. My dear friend admonished me to not give that shit a home. So from that day forward we all used TLF. The Little Fucker. Still makes me happy to think back on that good advice. So keep up the good work, kick your Asshole whenever and however you need to. I applaud your courage.
This was so well stated and so describes the feelings so well.
I would love to share this with my FB friends. May I?
While I’m not officially diagnosed depression runs in my family and my bestie is on meds. I’d love to read this book and know exactly who it’s going to next! And even if I don’t win yours, I think I’ll get a copy and pass it on anyway.
Keep shining the light on this topic!!
You are certainly not alone and your description of depression is the most accurate I have heard. I have come to refer to depression as a beast that I try to keep caged. Unfortunately, it escapes sometimes despite my best efforts. I would love to read this book. Sharing it and passing it along to others is a wonderful idea and has the potential to help so many people. You rock, Maddie!
I would love to read the book. I’ve suffered from mild depression, and two of my children have been dealing with it recently. Depression is awful and so misunderstood. Thank you for sharing your story.
I’d love to read this… Having suffered from depression since my teens (I’m now 64), I know how deep and dire the lows can be. I’m not bipolar, but some days are better than others and it does seem to go in cycles… I take two depression meds which help, but they play hell with my libido, and I haven’t wanted or enjoyed sex for 10 years now because of them. I had to make a choice, and I opted for less depression.
Like you, I know I’m having worse days because of lack of desire to quilt or even go into my studio, and a nagging desire to fondle and manipulate fabric are my signs that I’m having a better day, with ambition and enthusiasm to create.
Anyway – thanks for a brave and unfettered blog post that made me think, and laugh, cry and feel validated all at the same time.
Once again very well spoken with accuracy, humour and an open heart.
Thank you.
As a fellow quilter and sufferer of depression I get it. Some days are better than others and others just are hard. I must admit depression has made for some interesting quilts that not everyone gets and I don’t hang them up too often. My daughter says I need to read the book. Thanks, for the honesty in your posts. I appreciate it.
To hear someone else use words to describe the nasty cocktail of depression and autoimmune BS is somehow both weighty and load-lightening all at once. Thank you. I’m tired of feeling like I can’t feel like I feel – and feeling exhausted from portraying BETTER!! HAPPIER!!! ENERGETIC!! as my feelings.
I absolutely love Jenny Lawson. Her books and blog have helped me a great deal to accept myself in all my broken glory and give myself room to heal rather than fighting blindly against an unnamed monster that I had been unable to defeat.
I would love to read your book. My mother had bouts of depression and I have had times of what I always call a “blue funk” that can be paralyzing.