Welcome to a Hot-Take post where I say things that are going to deeply upset some quilters, makes others think and make a few of you unsubscribe!
Yes, I said it.
Stop giving quilts as gifts*, yes I said it and yes I mean it, but please notice the asterisk since the full statement is – Stop giving quilts as gifts if you are so emotionally tied to their use that you act like an ass about what they do with your gift, quilting is not conditional.
See here is the thing, sometimes as women we give gifts out of wanting the person we love to have the thing that would most delight them and sometimes we gift them a quilt to justify our quilting obsession to ourselves and the world and this gets us all twisted up about it – thanks patriarchy!
I am gonna let you sit with that a bit and give the enraged folks time to slam the door on the way outta here.
Let’s break it down.
So here is the deal, most people are here because they are liberal and snarky and love to quilt and sew ( insert, knit, bake, etc) and make things and that comes with cost, sometimes a lot of cost, sometime a lot-lot-lot of cost. No truer meme ever existed than the one that said – Why buy it for $20 when you can make it for $97 dollars in craft supplies! Making is not about saving money, it is about nurturing our creative souls and we are worthy of doing that without excuse or obligation.
Being sold a bill of goods
But here is the deal society has sold us the “bill of goods” that our passions must be justified in order for us to spend time and money on them therefore we must GIVE in order to GET. We can justify to ourselves, our spouses and the world our new fabric, machines and supplies etc since they are to make gifts that then prove our love to others. But the truth of the matter is.. and this is gonna hurt so hold on. Not everyone wants a quilt from us, or even wants a quilt at all. They are not penning their letters to Santa and top of the list is a new quilt from the latest release of fabric or from your overwhelming fabric stash.
Stings a bit huh? This is then followed by the fact that many quilters are then overly invested in what happens to their quilts after they have been gifted. They rage or at least quietly smolder that their gift is being slept on by the dog or used as a picnic blanket or in the case of one woman I knew and much to her horror her gift of a wedding quilt was being “boinked” upon!
If your gift of a quilt is a TRUE gift then your obligation and attachment ends when you hand it to the new owner. And if you can’t let go that is ok.. you spent hours making something that I hope you love and you are entitled to keep that things for yourself, you are worthy of gorgeous things and unless the receiver has been BEGGING you for a quilt for ages they will most likely really like a gift card quite a bit more if the truth be told. ( i know, Ouch!)
Don’t shoot the messenger
Don’t shoot the messenger, it stung when I first really deeply understood this and teased apart the whole crafty gift giving/ being a woman who is required by society to justify her existence dynamic. ( And let me take a moment here to say that I know that not all crafters and quilters are women but I am not sure how others fall into the same quilting/gifting societal quandary, so please let me know!)
Some of you will be muttering – I will give them a quilt if I damn well want to give them a quilt OR People say they LOVE my quilts (and this might be true), but maybe just maybe you feel it, that uneasy little feeling that tells us that we are tugging on a thread of truth that leads to a big-old hairy ball of (yet again) how misogynistic and patriarchal culture creeps into even the most unsuspecting parts of our lives and now you have a lot to think about as you stare at that pile of projects you are killing yourself to finish before the holidays are gone.
Do it for the right reason
Listen, I am not telling you not to quilt, or buy new crafty things you adore ( I joyfully bought myself not one but TWO machines this year) I am saying buy with intention, buy with joy, buy because you love it and want to have it and work with it and create with it. Then find the people begging for a quilt or scarf or whatever it is you create and gift your joy to them and watch them swoon in delight.
For the others in your life, buy them what THEY love since giving them what you love is an obligation, not a true gift.
Next up – But what the fuck am I supposed to do with all this stuff I love to make if I don’t gift it away, I am knee deep in quilts around here!
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Thank you! I’ve come to the conclusion that if you give a gift with strings, better to not give the gift at all.
I found it amusing when my SIL apologized for my niece preferring the “galaxy” backing fabric on her quilt after she sent me a pic of the kid in an astronaut outfit pretending she was floating in space while lying on the quilt. Not offended at all! Mission accomplished!
My great grandmothers quilt has been worn through and repaired in so many places I think it’s not even her original quilt anymore.
My mom fretted about where the cat tore a hole in a quilt her mother made her…we patched it with a silhouette of the kitty (no long gone). Now two wonderful memories live in that quilt: my Grandma and kitty Jacques.
Just discovered you today! Like what I see so far!
When I give someone a baby quilt, I say I do NOT want to see this quilt in a picture on Facebook hanging on the wall of your nursery, I want to see it being dragged through the mud or being tugged on by the dog. So I guess I go the other way and expect worse treatment than recipients provide. But seriously, once it’s out of my hands it’s out of my hands and I let it go.
I once ran into a quilt class teacher and mentioned that the quilt I finished in her class was my dog’s favorite and he insisted on napping on it every afternoon. She was horrified, but I thought it was the best honor a quilt could receive.
So did I at one time buy quilt labels from BAQS that said “It’s ok to have sex on this quilt” and “it’s ok to poop on this quilt” from you? I can’t imagine where else I would have gotten them, if not. Or maybe you just wrote about it and I thought it would be appropriate…who knows?
You did!.. those were so fun!
The other day, someone I was quilting with asked me who I was giving the quilt I was making to, and it surprised me that I felt I had to justify that I was just making it because I wanted to, and had no plans of giving it to anybody! Quilting is what I do to fulfill my need to be creative, so what difference does it make what I’m going to do with it, anyway? I may give it to someone, or I may just add it to the rotation of quilts I use myself. I think a lot of people don’t really appreciate the money and effort that goes into making a quilt, and there are very few people I would spend that kind of money on a gift for. So why do they assume I need to give it away? I’m sure part of it was because the way they asked hit me wrong–like the only reasonable choice was to give it away, but I didn’t realize til I read this WHY I felt like I would need to justify keeping it, or making it with no purpose.
I agree. Most of the time, my gift giving was to justify quilting or make more space in my house. Now I tell my family that the quilt is a bonus end product of my quilting hobby, as it is the process that I enjoy.
Well said, I’m guilty of this and will readjust my thinking!
Oh yeah Maddie….a gift is just that….no strings attached (pun intended). I believe in 🎁 the quilt, table runner, wall hanging, whatever AND what your heart most desires.
I agree with it all. I give quilts with no conditions attached, in fact I know they will be used and loved in all sorts of ways. I want them to be. I choose who I give them to or if they are requested (which most have been). Plus I love you!
I agree totally. I will tell me opinion: I do get very attached to some of the quilts I make. Especially If I use fabric that I consider “special”. You know like that long out of print stuff that sells for 2x original price on Etsy. Unless I set out sewng with a recipient in mind, I “live” with my special creations until I think I can part with them, ie gift them. Sometime this can take years. And I always let people pick the quilt they want. I’m often surprised by their choices. They pick a quilt I would never had selected for them.
My grandmother made quilts ( some of them were ugly but made with love) My daughter would take them to cross country meets and drag them thru fields and mud etc. Her coach quilted and scolded her. My daughter’s response was ‘my great grandmother would want me to use them so I am ‘ .