I stopped sewing when my son died.
Like most people who lose a child I was thrown into a world I had never hoped to know and would never wish on anyone. Just days before I had sewn what would be his “coming home” outfit… it might have possibly been the most perfect thing I had ever created. The white knit with the soft little bear print. Tiny pearl buttons on the the bunting style jacket and little white snaps and now it would be the outfit that he wore as we said goodbye.
I could not even walk towards my machine without being rolled over by waves of grief. So much so that I put it away. I had sewn since I was a young girl and now I shoved my machine under a table and tried to forget.
It might have worked if it were not for my busy hands. You know, the type that always needed to be doing something. Something about idle hands and the devil I suppose, but in this case the devil was grief.
I started Knitting because my son died.
I took up knitting with a vengeance, far enough away from a sewing machine but still a craft for someone who has never been really good at idle time. I shopped for yarn or solace, anymore I am not sure which I needed more. I knit like my life depended on it, and perhaps it did.
One simple stitch after another, a ritual, a prayer, a desperate hope for a night when i could bring my head to the pillow without replaying his loss and feeling that hole in my chest big enough to drive a truck through so I would get up again and sit int he dark and knit some more.
The days passed like stitches one and another on my needles and off again. Soon there was a flutter deep within me.. another life, another chance, another baby and I kept knitting. This time small things, again like casting on hope, or worry beads or prayer or a little of both.
Baby number six grew quickly within me and there was not a day I did not knit or think of the brother he would never know. I was not ready to sew again but I did on occasion cast my eyes towards the machine as it sat there waiting for me… for my grief to ebb with the days, with the baby growing inside of me.
Gabriel Liam would have been 17 years old today. A young man who’s memory is knitted into thousands of stitches and in the work of busy hands.
I cannot imagine your pain. My son is almost 26 and scheduled to be married in September. He’s been a long way from home for 8 years and there is not a day that I think of him, want to talk to him, or wish he was home (even for a short time). I miss him every day and worry about him all the time, because the worst thing I can imagine would be to lose him. My heart aches for you, even after all these years. Mothers never forget. Much love to you.
I learned to quilt when I lost my 22 year old son, Eric. Grief needs creativity – something our hands can do even when the heart and spirit are broken. I have baby quilts under my needle this week and I know that Eric is part of that love for our next grandbaby just as Gabriel’s love is part of thousands of stitches.
From one Mom to another – much love.
Kathy
There’s no greater loss than a child. Thank you for your story. Such a beautiful tribute. I hope it continues to help others with their own grief. Peace to you.
Thinking of you and your loving heart.
Thank you for sharing such an important part of you. Happy Birthday Gabriel Liam❤️⭐️❤️.
The loss of a child, most especially a baby, is heart-rendering. My family is recovering from the tragic suicide of a 13 year old child, and I am just now able to get back into my art. I still have her soccer t-shirts which I will eventually make into a quilt, but not quite yet. Thank you for sharing your loss…
Firstly Maddie I want to shout out Happy Birthday Liam. Six years ago in march my daughter lost her her second daughter Bridgette and we nearly lost her too. My daughter was kept alive by machines for 3 days of knowing the good awful truth that she not only lost her daughter but also lost her uterus and any hope of having any more children. Unfortunately she didn’t get to see Bridgette at all so I had to give her all the cuddles, kisses and love that not only a Nanna would give but also a Mummy would give too. Going to the hospital to give birth to a child and coming home empty handed and without the option of having more children was but retching for us all. Planning the funeral of your grandchild while your own daughters life hangs in the air was a terrible time too. Through all of this I could not look at anything to do with my machine or any craft as it only reminded me of what I could have created her Bridgette and to this day still does. Grief is a terrible thing and here in Australia we have a wonderful association called Bears of Hope that my daughter is a part of and that is how she gets through her grief. They celebrate their children and have Mothers Days and a Fathers Days dinners and a yearly ball so everyone can go out and have a nice time but without having to explain why everyone feels there is something huge missing from their hearts and life’s. The standard line that my daughter gets is when are you going to have another child to fill the void left by Bridgette, my god a child can never replace the loss of a passed sibling and for gods sake people she had to save her life she lost her uterus and can’t have anymore. Why is it that you must replace a child after they are gone? Losing Bridgette was a horrific time for our family and losing her right to have more children nearly took its toll on my daughter but as I look at her 8 year old daughter lying in her bed as I type this I am truly grateful that Bridgette has a big sister Charlotte that keeps her Mummy on her toes and gives her the will to just take life day by day. Thank you Maddie for sharing your pain about Liam and again I want to say Happy 17th Birthday Liam
I may never have shared your pain, but I share with you my love and friendship. What a beautiful tribute to such a beautiful boy.
Just love ((((((((())))))))))
Oh Maddie, we are truly sisters.
My 1st Grand baby Seth Logan , was born nearly 6 weeks early on March 16, 2006. He was a healthy 5 pound baby, waiting in the NICU for his momma to get better. She acquired 5 MAJOR infections from the hospital, including the flesh eating bacteria and was in ICU on a ventilator. For 18 days that baby waited to see his Momma, but it ended with a hospital mistake that took his life before she ever held him. So my son and his wife left the hospital with a death certificate and funeral plans to make. There was a lawsuit, a settlement, but that never eases anything.
She became pregnant again, and would say “it’s not a baby till they put it in my arms” which she was able to have done twice now. A different hospital, and different doctors.
These 2 boys know they have an older brother, they visit the Cemetary and make a cake for Seth’s birthday, because the day he was born is special, it’s not his fault he didn’t get to live longer. He would have been 11 years old this past March.
That hospital has made major changes after his death, to prevent accidents like his from ever happening again. They cleaned up the hospital to try and reduce the amount of infections. So his short life was not in vain, it mattered. People were saved by this accident.
His death has changed the dynamics of our family, in many sad ways. I pray every day that we can work thru them.
I know for me, I dove into sewing and quilting head first, and using my treadle helped to rock the pain in my heart. I stitch the name Seth into every quilt I make, so there is an Angel in all my work. Most all of my quilts I give away, as comfort quilts to children and adults. It is like a mission for me. Sewing to ease my pain.
I only have a few pictures that my son was able to take of Seth in the NICU. I will always use one as my phone wallpaper, because I will never have the chance to get more, these are it. I always want to see his little face, to remember the love he was a part of, and the family that misses him so.
I also support Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, and tell everyone about them and their mission. I only wish I was stronger and able to be a volunteer for them. Maybe one day… Till then, I quilt with a vengeance.
My DIL wrote on a blog about her grief, and this one part struck me. “With so many reminders of our son I find that most of the time I walk gently through the day, not wishing to stir up the emotions. Very often I am successful, but on those that I am not, I am often surprised by how good it feels to cry. The tears of today stream right back to the tears of the past and I am reminded that a mother’s love has no end and that is also something that I have learned not to take for granted.”
Such a beautiful piece, Maddie; I somehow missed it the day you wrote it. I’m glad we can keep learning from each other, about each other. Sharing the story has become such a part of who we are, and how we try to make a difference for others.
Thank you for sharing you journey with us. I’m sure it will lend some comfort to others that have experienced similar loses. Love and hugs go out to you and others that have gone through losses. I lost my husband just over 2 years ago. I took care of him for over 2 ½ yrs, being an ER nurse during the day and his nurse at night. He passed quietly in his sleep. I continue to be a nurse, helping others, quilt, knit, crochet, and paint and thank God for my blessing every day. I count you as one of my blessing Maddie.
So sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing Gabriel’s story with all of us. Grief is such a unique journey for each of us.
Maddie,
I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing Gabriels story with us.
Wishing you love and light.
Thank you for sharing your story. I lost three babies to miscarriage, and their memories live on. I hope that telling these things helps people who are suffering to know that they are not alone, and not crazy for missing their children. I hope it helps loved ones and friends to understand that this grief is real and doesn’t go away with a new pregnancy. I think it really helps when the person telling the story is a total bad ass like you.
Happy birthday Gabriel Liam!
I also lost my daughter when she was four days old, 21 years ago…..your story touched my heart in a very strong, familiar way. My hands also had to be busy…thank you for a time of remembrance. Bless you
Maddie, while your story is heartbreaking, your words are salve to many aching souls. Loss and grief are represented in so many forms. I’m glad you found healing! You have shared magnificent gifts with us and you are a blessing!
I feel you. Beautiful name Gabriel Liam!
Not the same as a child, but my husband passed on May 2. I still can’t quilt, but hope to be able to do so again someday. Funny what grief does.
I can’t begin to imagine the pain you went through 17 years ago and do today on Gabriel’s 17 th birthday. Hugs to you. I lost my mom 3 months ago and still feel such an emptiness. My quilting friends have been such a support and looking forward to being with them, brightens even the darkest day.
I nearly lost my son at age 1 1/2, and then had a miscarriage. I didn’t quilt for a long time after, but wound up with 5 cats instead. Our response to grief is so unique, and I’m glad you were able to find solace in creation and craft.
Sending you love and light on this difficult day.
Always in your heart and now our prayers too.
Peace be with you, Maddie.
Hugs…. 😢
Our Max would have been 21 this past October. He was perfectly healthy, had never even run a fever, but on the day after he turned eight months old he didn’t wake up from his nap. The world shifted on its axis that afternoon; our lives forever changed. Had it not been for his siblings and knowing they need me as they grieved for their baby brother, I do believe I would have followed him. Those six brothers and sisters, and so many people, continue to talk about and remember Max Edward, for which I am grateful.
Sending you love, light, and positive energies.
Love you so much. <3
Beautiful words. Thank you for sharing with us.
Sending you much love. This is a beautiful tribute.
Love and hugs
Sending love, peace and hugs.
After my husband was killed, just over five years ago, I threw myself into quilting. I had taken a few classes in the 7 months before his death and it was one of the very few things that kept me alive. I sewed night and day, sometimes 24 hours or more straight, I immersed myself into something that was a distraction from my pain. I have come a long way since April 12, 2012, mainly good days but still a lot of bad – the physical pain of grief doesn’t go away, it becomes a familiar part of who you are now. Quilting is a major part of my life; thanks Maddie for sharing your story and for being the person you are today. Gabriel Liam is part of your soul and always will be, just as Rich is part of mine.
I can empathize as I lost my second born to an incurable disease at the age of 16. That is when I decided to go back to school in my mid forties. Have no been an RN for more than 25 yrs. Now my happy place after work is my sewing machine
Can o ly send❤❤❤❤
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sure it’s something that never entirely goes away. Hugs to you.
I cannot imagine the grief you felt over losing your sweet baby, Gabriel. Thank you for sharing your love for him with us.
I have a friend that lost her 4 sons in a fire more than 20 years ago. She is a most remarkable woman, rebuilt her life, had 3 amazing children, and did photography for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep for several years. Thank you for sharing your grief with us.
May God bathe you in Grace and comfort.
this is nothing compared to the loss of a child, but crochet got me through a really rough breakup years ago. my grandma has taught me as a kid, and i used youtube to refresh my memory and that’s what i did, stitch by stitch. i couldn’t think clearly enough to sew or make art, but i could count, and counting stitches is what i did. I’m sorry for your loss, but I’m glad you were able to find solace.
Thank you for your honest words. Heartbreaking and beautiful