Abby Glassenberg wrote today on one of dated constructs within the quilting world. She wrote on the topic of the “Husband’s Lounge” at International Quilt Festival ( Houston) and how perhaps in 2016 we could use a label that was a bit more open and inviting to all who might need a bit of a rest while at the event.
Language is important and while I fail at times ( old habits die hard) I try mightily to write for all quilters and use words that are inclusive as possible. So yes, I support what Abby has to say but have to admit that the bit at the end is what made my “spidey senses” tingle.
Pull quote from http://whileshenaps.com/2016/11/language-matters-making-quilting-more-inclusive.html
As a former quilt shop owner I would have been a rich woman if I could have banked all the times I had women say that they were on their way home to hide their “stash” so that that their husbands did not know about it. Some went to some pretty serious lengths to make sure their level of spending was undetected in the family budget with some going so far as having secret checking accounts to hide their purchases. Holy hell there is even a song devoted to ways to hide your “stash”.
This was always incredibly uncomfortable, sad and perplexing as someone who has always felt worthy and in control of what I spent on fabric to know that so many of my customers were:
1) Out of control about what they spent
or
2) Did not feel worthy enough to own up to what they wanted and needed.
Let’s break that down – In the first scenario, buying fabric you cannot afford. Just stop that shit. If you cannot afford more new fabric right now there are still ways to be active and vital in the quilting world, every generation before you has done it, you can too! Tapping out the family checking account is no more worthy and self loving than blowing it at the race track or on booze.
Moving on…..
Now to scenario two – Feeling worthy. As women we are possibly the most craptastic species ever to value what we do and choices we make. From something as simple as taking a compliment, to which we say “oh this old thing, it is just one wearing away from the rag bag” to “but look, I screwed up here and here and I am hiding this fuck up here as well” We can’t even take a compliment without deflecting it like our lives depended on it.
So really is it any wonder that on a regular basis we feel the societal pressure to deny our needs and desires for things even when we can legitimately afford them. Feeling worthy is everything, and if the ~quilt store as barometer~ is at all accurate I think we have a long way to go in claiming our innate worthiness, but I do think it is about time.
Please note that I don’t think every quilter feels this way but I challenge you to examine your words and spelunk around in your thoughts and feelings on the subject. Does it make you squeem to even think about going home and laying your new purchase across the dining room table for all to see. And if not you I bet you know someone who is hiding their fabric with the skill of a cat burgler only to be able to pull it out later and claim “this old thing” status.
Just a little something to think about… does it seem quite as funny now?
I am not hiding my fabric, (I prefer to call it my fabric archive) because my fabric is the tool I need to make fabulous quilts. Granted, some turn out more fabulous than others, but they are always loved by someone.
Rather than self-worth, there are two things going one. I think one problem is a relationship problem. That is separate from the feeling guilty problem. If you are hiding because you know you have way more stuff than you will ever use in your lifetime but keep buying, you feel guilty. One needs to examine why the continued buying and deal. If one is hiding because of a relationship problem – one of who is in control or is it a partnership that has to be dealt with but they are two separate problems. And, yes, you can have both at the same time.
Something else to think about — trying to justify either behavior is not good either. That includes trying to “bravado” your way into believing you are just claiming your right to be creative by spending money. You are still not dealing with the root of the problem as to why you are doing it in the first place and figuring out an honest solution.
Now is that easy? NOT! When we watch what has gone on in relationships before us/around us, it becomes ingrained and hard to own up to. Never mind scary. But, we will all continue to hide from ourselves and others on some level until we do. Ingrain is hard to overcome.
I have always been baffled by people who want to hide the materials they use as part of their creative endeavors. Why would anyone want to hide their creativity? The yarn, fabric, paints, whatever, that they use to express themselves. Hiding who you are is not good for anyone.
“spelunk around in your thoughts”… I love this. Brilliant and such a clear image. Shod be an art quilt challenge. And to push the metaphor, pull up all the gorgeous and shimmering fish of self affirmation and ditch the old carp of negative chatter.
Thanks for this article, my art friends will confirm my guilt of pointing to every flaw on something they have just complimented me on.
My question is this though *enter old carp* I would tell my five year old daughter how lovely her crayon pictures were even when they weren’t. Again all through childhood we do this. Also with new quilters. We look over the rough seams or poor design or whatever and find nice things to say because that’s what you do.
Is that doing them a disservice? How do you get better and learn if you go along thinking everything you do is fabulous?
Thank you so much for this post and for linking to Abby’s post. I’m in my late fifties, a professional fiber artist/quilter and also the mother of an adult transgender daughter. She has taught me the importance of self worth and is helping me overcome the false gender roles that make a huge difference in how I live life. I wish children were taught that it is great to participate in anything they enjoy doing, that it is okay to wear any color or style they feel good about, and to celebrate other people who do as well.
I have never had to hide my fabric but most every quilter I know makes some crack about it. There has been a sign up at a local quilt shop that reads “Your husband called and said buy more fabric.” No, it isn’t so funny now.
I almost feel guilty to share this… my husband’s stash (which we define as fabric we just love and must have but don’t yet know how we will use it) is bigger than mine!! While he doesn’t sew, he loves my hobby and designs most of my quilts. Frankly he has better taste than I do. It’s usually his idea to stop at this fabric store or that one. Most LQSs remember us or at least remember him. When he bought me my new sewing machine (a surprise) I was beyond thrilled. When I asked him why he bought it he simply told me “see that big smile on your face? It’s my job to put it there as often as possible!” I guess I’m just the luckiest girl ever!
I already commented but something has been percolating all afternoon.
One of the stash-related commentaries that has bugged me almost as much as the ‘hiding it from the husband’ is the ‘I have to buy lots of fabric for my stash now because when I retire I won’t be able to afford it anymore’ which is such an unbelievable misunderstanding of money that it makes me crazy.
Whether you spend it now or later, it’s still your money. And (excuse me while I get a bit finance-y) but given the time value of money, the dollar you spend today is actually worth more than a dollar you spend in the future. Furthermore, if you invested that money in an RRSP or a 401(k) or if you want less risk, a GIC, rather than spending it on fabric now, that money would be there for you later, and possibly, due to the power of compounding, provide a better return that just sticking it in a savings account (which would still work for having that money to spend in the future).
To me, saying “at least I’ve built my stash for when I retire” seems like an excuse to satisfy a desire to buy now but also belies a scary misunderstanding of money and finances. My personal goal for retirement isn’t to buy enough fabric to have a huge stash but rather to invest and save enough that I’ll be in a position to buy whatever I want when I get there.
Ah Nicole, you’ve hit on another annoying aspect of quilter’s lore and crazy talk. These ideas circulate like STDs. I’m glad this topic was opened up and we can get all these pet peeves off our chests. Just for the sake of discussion, here is another. I recently watched a quilting video in which a well known fabric designer was teaching about color theory. And she apologized – yes, she actually said ‘I’m sorry, it’s science’ when she was trying to explain color without, you know, actually explaining the concept. Because after all, we wouldn’t want to overtax our pretty little heads trying to comprehend science, now, would we. It was beyond stereotyped.
Just call it ‘stock’ instead of ‘stash’ and you have a whole new way of looking at the shelves.
That is a perfect word for it! Because that is exact what it is.
Oh my, where to start? I’d never seen that video before and I thought I’d been timewarped back to the 50’s where women had no independent income for the most part and had to sweetly ask (beg) their husbands for money. Is part of the problem that the public image of quilters is still people raised in that era with those values and gender relations? For me as a child of the 60s the word stash evokes the euphemism we used to refer to our hidden bag of weed. OK, it includes the connotation of ‘this is a good thing’ and ‘I want this stuff’. I get that, but the illegal and illicit part of the connotation I reject totally. I’m thrilled to have this hobby and proud of it too. So count me as one of those badass quilters ready for a new shorthand term for our collection of quilting fabrics. And while we are getting rid of that counterproductive term, I want to propose another. Quilting “addiction”. As a retired advanced practice nurse it makes me sick to hear other quilters snicker over their so-called addictions when I have spent decades dealing with real addictive behaviors and their consequences to everyone in the addict’s life. And believe me when I say there is nothing good about it. Just stop it. Just f*ing stop with that word, k?
I couldn’t even watch more than 30 seconds of that song. What decade are we living in?
I know how much my husband spent on his fancy new tv and he knows what I spent on my fancy new sewing machine. And we just bought a new dresser for my sewing room to more attractively accommodate my “raw materials” because the plastics bins were “too ugly” (his words).
I have a friend that had special hiding places for all her stuff. Now like the song her house is over run with stuff.
I however have a controlled stash. When it goes beyond my containers it goes. I have people that I can donate to and do! Project Linus is one, or I make Pillow cases for the Hospital and I feel great because I know it is being used.
The other thing that I now do it an inspiration taken from Elaine Warwick Poplin, I take and cut up my scraps and pieces into different sizes and put them into a container. When I am looking for something to do I pull out the boxes and just create.
I feel if you have to hide and sneak you will put hardship on you and your partners relationship. It is about Trust!
I am a lucky girl that I have never felt like I should hide my fabric purchases. In fact, if my husband goes with me to a fabric store I end up buying MORE than I would have otherwise.
I am currently in a prolific phase of trying to use up the resources that I have, and it’s thrilling. If what I have exceeds my ability to store it on my ample shelving system, then I need to fix that– either by donating or making something. So I’ve given/donated several quilts away and I’m making more. And the stacks are shrinking. I’m winning the war, and I feel good about it. I’m using fabric faster than I’m buying it, for the first time. 🙂
I’m just going to pop this out there. I’m really not offended. But, if we simply mention each time a different word might be used in a not-angry way it might help others see their unintentional slights.
Men are just as craptastic as women at seeing our self worth.
As for the word “stash”… I prefer to use the word, “hoard”. Then I can imagine I’m a huge dragon sitting on piles and piles of opulent fabrics.
Good point Collin, I don’t have near as much experience with men who don’t value their self worth as much but again I goofed… we should ALL know that we are worthy.
In the 50’s and 60’s my mother taught her daughters how to hid money and purchases from your husband. Fast forward to the 80’s and 90’s when I managed our family money and my husband came home from the grocery store one day and said” did you know that women write their grocery checks for over the amount so they can hide money?” He was floored.
In the conversation we agreed that we each had our “allowance” and could spend it any way we wanted. We all need to feel worthy of our wants and desires.
I never felt the need to hide my purchases. ..
My late husband and I had an agreement. We both had decent jobs, me as a teacher and he as an RN, so we gave ourselves a set amount of “mad money” each month. We could spend it on anything, no questions asked. Larger purchases were discussed together. He spent his on hunting and fishing gear, I spent mine on fabric!
That said, the word “stash” can have negative connotations.
Our fabrics ,thread, rulers, and machines are our tools and are necessary components of our creative process.
As an aside, my husband would go shopping with me and say, ” are you sure you have enough? We might not have time to come back here.” I miss our road trips ?
How lucky for you Ida, easy to see why he is missed. I am lucky like you as well but so many are not… to them this is a whole different game.
its not just fabric either–I was at a home party once (cannot remember which –Pampered Chef or Tupperware or some such) and the sales person was advocating how you could ‘hide’ your purchases – put some on credit card, some on cash etc….I didn’t like that at all and didn’t buy a thing from that salesperson.
I do think Cathy Miller was trying to be humorous, she’s a lovely lady and good entertainer, and that she’s not suggesting you be dishonest with your partner.
I totally agree Maddie, that if you cannot afford it, don’t buy it. If you can afford it, don’t hide it.
I see where you are coming from, and there have been times that i have made the jokes about my husband. But I have a man who didnt flinch when I picked him up and there was a new sewing machine in the back seat, he isnt worried about a few yards of fabric. He tells me everyone needs a hobby.
I think of “my stash” more like Gollum… my precious, my precious… i am not hiding it from the hubby but from other quilters who might shimmy up my drain pipe and take my beautiful fabrics, when i am not looking.
I was thinking the same thing Theresa. I’m not hiding anything from my husband except the clutter of my craft room that drives him crazy and that’s why it has a door! I think of my “stash” of all craft supplies and fabric as my special stuff in my happy place.
Why in the name of all that’s holy would a woman hide fabric (I know they do from being around you and Spool), and why in the world would a man be stupid enough to deny someone he loves something that gives such pleasure? (Yes, I know I’m being narrow in my definition of who’s quilting, who’s hiding, and who’s being hidden from – it still baffles me any way it works.) As to the video, it made me want to crawl out of my skin.