Being over 50 means a lot of things, one of them being that I don’t always sleep as well as I used to. Previous to messing up my shoulders by cutting 1000’s of yards of fabric and then having my reproductive innards snatched out of my body I slept really well. I could lay down and be asleep in under 30 seconds and not wake again until morning unless prompted by the change in breathing of anyone I gave birth to or other bumps in the night. But even then I went back to sleep quickly and easily. Nija level mama skills for sure!
But now I am over 50 and not always asleep in the middle of the night. Sometimes I am laying under my handmade quilts and thinking. There is SO much to think about these days isn’t there? The other night had been thinking about orgasms since that seemed far more fun thing to think about than the current state of our government or even how I need to dig a deep french drain in the basement.
Orgasms are amazing and the one thing that I was very clear about with my reproductive health surgeon was that I wanted to keep them even if he would be taking out my uterus, cervix and one of my ovaries. I did get to keep one ovary, I called it my “party-ovary” but alas it was a short party and it decided to stop working not too long after it’s purpose in life was removed. But above all, I was very clear that just because I was a woman who made quilts ( a QUILTER, duh duh duh) that this did not mean I was not DEEPLY invested in what goes on UNDER quilts, you know THE SEX and most directly my pleasure. His awkward reply was that “of course I would be able to have sex again” and in fact, he was sure it would be even better since everything would “firm up” after surgery.
Great, so I would be the owner of a perky new vagina but being the selfish bitch I was what I wanted to know was how it would affect response and climax to which he said, the surgery should have “no adverse effect on intercourse”. In other words, putting it through the Patriarchal translator meant – I don’t really care if you still get pleasure since you will still be fuckable and that is all that matters to the patriarchy anyway. You see as it turns out pleasure and orgasm are not a leading results criteria when it comes to medical outcomes for gynecological surgeries so most doctors don’t really want to talk about it. It is just not that important to them. I have spoken to a lot of women in the years since my surgery asking them if their doctor talked to them at all about how their surgery would affect their sexual pleasure, namely orgasm, and the total number was NONE. I know there must be some but they must be as rare as hen’s teeth that is for sure.
The doctor’s words drifted through my head as I laid there in my semi-sleepless state and it really hit me, like something that you have always known but suddenly it is SO clear that you gasp? My or any woman’s pleasure means nothing to the patriarchy since it scares the holy shit out of them. Women being as far removed from their center of power is just fine with many branches of the status quo. A woman who is centered in herself, her sexuality and her innate power is a goddess, she has power and she can literally please herself. She is a woman who can topple mountains and make startling changes to and for this world.
When a woman walks out from the shadows, from the oppression, and from the shame that the world tries to smother her with from the time she is born; when she stands tall and strong casting aside all that shit about modesty and meekness and “her place” in society she rules her own destiny. When she is no longer a burden but instead a force of nature to be reckoned with then, well then we are getting down to business, aren’t we? Some women are lucky, they never let the shame fall upon them and when it tried to rest there they shook that shit off. But not all or even most were so lucky and that in itself is reason enough to be aware of our assigned place in their world and take the time to beat that shit down.
As quilters, we can be standing hip deep in oppressive, conservative waters that are in large part flow from the church. A wholly unhealthy bath of shame, condemnation and fear mixed with a large religious spoon. It holds tight to its claim that we are as only as good as our virginity or ability to bear children or to keep a husband happy.
We must do our best to wade out, find our own high and healthy ground even when things around us look damn murky often leading to us hiding parts of ourselves, our lives, our thoughts from our greater community out of fear of the big quilty excommunication. ( If you have ever be driven from a guild you know this shit is so true) but more than that we are driven away from connection with each other when we live under a cloud of shame for our needs, wants and desires.
I am no good at hiding, what I am good at is standing on a high rock and saying “I SEE YOU” and I know that you are hurting or in shame or insecure or just need someone to tell you that you are worthy as hell even if you don’t fit the mold of perfection that someone is trying to shove you into. It is not that I am without pain (the pain I got, a filter, not so much!) my gift is that I am willing to be a lightning rod while at the same time casting light in dark corners with my words and my deeds. Getting to partner with others who are doing the same thing is SO exciting!
I am excited to announce that I am on the Launch Team for Pastor Nadia Bolz-Weber’s new book Shameless – A Sexual Reformation. I will be writing about her new book and talking about how sexuality, patriarchy, shame, religion, and quilting intersect. So if that is your thing… welcome! If not, there are no worries, there are a ton of other quilting bloggers talking about yet another way to execute a perfect Y-seam and perfecting your scant 1/4 inch. But if just maybe your life is bigger, more complex and extends past your quilting room then stick around this might be fun!
